17. Participate in Cultural Exchange

Or: the 90's were a wild time for snacks in America.

One day my daughter's daycare hosted a cultural exchange day, and we were asked to bring a dessert that represented our cultural background.

My first thought was, "I gotta go to the Filipino store and pick up some ensaymadas."

My second thought was, "Oh, wait. I guess I'm American, too."

In my head, I am first and foremost Filipino-American. This means lechon and Texas barbecue on Thanksgiving. It also means I am a devout believer in air conditioning and putting cheese on everything. Here's a clearer rundown:

• In the US, I am outwardly Filipino, culturally Asian American.

• In the Philippines, I am so painfully American.

• In France, I am often mistaken for Mexican or Chinese or Cambodian, but the second I speak, I am obviously American.

So when I had to find a dessert that encapsulated my rich American heritage (going all the way back to 1981), I was stumped. My favorite American snacks do not exist in Paris. They include:

• Chocolate soft serve from Big Gay Ice Cream

• H.E.B. tortillas dipped in queso

• Veniero's rainbow cookies

• Shipley's chocolate iced donuts

• Blue Bell Ice Cream, every flavor except Moo-llennium Crunch (Fight me.)

• The beignets from Crawfish & Beignets

• Shake Shack crinkle fries dipped in chocolate custard

• Melted Kraft’s singles (set the microwave to “KILL” for best results) and Tostito’s Scoops

• Whataburger gravy — yep, just the gravy

• The ice cream cake from Parm

• Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker (IYKYK)

• Those grocery store sugar cookies with a solid inch of frosting and sprinkles that taste like diabetes

I have zero culinary skills, so making anything was out of the question. Instead, we went to La Grande Épicerie, specifically their American aisle. There, I found marshmallows, peanut butter, ranch dressing, and tons of beef jerky. None of that was acceptable to give to the French toddlers at my daughter's daycare, many of whom would've fainted at the idea of synthetic cheese that came in a spray can.

Dustin and I argued about what to buy. I thought Oreos would be acceptable since they are both American and vegan-friendly. But we ended up buying "American" pancake mix — still not sure why. We panicked, okay?

When the day came, we showed up to daycare only bringing Filipino dessert. As the only Americans at the daycare, where we silent or were we silenced? (We silenced ourselves. So hard.) But I suppose this is just the way the cycle goes. One day my daughter will have to face the Filipino-American-Franco dessert conundrum for herself, but until then, we'll just have to figure out what the hell to do with all this pancake mix.